I really hate routines and schedules (for myself). I really hate that I need one. I really hate that I keep designing one for myself and then ignore it. Daily. I hate feeling lost and directionless. I hate that I have no motivation to change direction. Every now and then I get a little boost and then ... it fizzles out almost as quickly as the energy and inspiration came. 

To use a recent pop culture analogy -- I feel like a Space X rocket.

 Four minutes after it lifted off, the rocket exploded after traveling 24 miles. Multiple engines went out, according to SpaceX, leading the rocket to lose altitude and begin to tumble. After it went off course, the company forced both the rocket and the accompanying booster — which did not separate properly — to self-destruct.  

I'm tumbling and spiraling and need a kick in the pants to get back on course.

I’ve been stalled on starting my listening tour and blaming it on (mental) health and migraines, but when I get real with myself … I’m afraid that there won’t be a “Candidate-Market Fit” for me and it will be proven that I’m just as much as or maybe even more than a misfit than I already feel like.

More later. This is going to take some real unpacking to get through.

Are a brilliant and life-changing invention. Between weather and the Mack Truck I’m apparently sleeping next to, I haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep in weeks. And the stutter / brain fog episodes I’ve been having are getting worse. Something’s gotta give.

To solve this particular life problem, I started using my earbuds, but they fall out and aren’t comfortable for side sleeping. Then I got earplugs and decided I could try to fall asleep without Calm or an audiobook. That doesn’t work so well in practice. I almost always wake up between 1-3am and… there goes the night.

In the past, I have used those sleep headphones, but they never stay in place and are also uncomfortable for side sleeping. Enter some entry level ($20 after discount!) bone conduction headphones (you know, test the technology before shelling out for AfterShockz or something). Anyway… lay down on my side and no pain. So far. Full on test tonight. But walking the puppies! So much easier and no worries about them falling out if I suddenly had to jog! And they came with ear plugs that look like those flight ones or my weather x migraine ones

so I’m all set to cancel out the snoring AND listen to something that takes me out of my head.

And if they don’t work, well, safer headphones for biking.

My last two massages have made me realize I am holding on to more in my body than I realized. I usually enjoy my massages, but with gentle to medium pressure I wanted to scream and cry. And not from ecstatic joy.

Either that or I need to get retested for CFS and fibromyalgia. Last time I was 6 out of 9 pain points and CFS runs in my family on my mom’s side, but we all know how seriously pain is taken when Black women talk about chronic pain. The brain fog could be just related to insomnia. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. And pretending to be normal.

All this health shit makes it really hard to put any energy into other things, like doing my taxes and filling out applications to a sickening degree. After one, I’m like “Done! Time for the Star Trek series of the day (or Bones, or something on Netflix)” but I am trying to keep the tv off until after dinner, so I’m finding podcasts to listen to. The latest is Bookburners (also available in print) by some of my fave authors — Max Gladstone, Mur Lafferty, and … that train of thought is permanently derailed.

Doctor’s orders, well, my therapist. She watched me walk in and said at the end of our session that I had very depressed and withdrawn body language at the start. It was a little better by the time our session ended. But I’ve been unemployed for six weeks (usually my mental limit) and haven’t taken any downtime to rest and reset. Like Supergirl (or Superman) getting supercharged by hanging out closer to the sun.

Daily, I remind myself that the current climate is not job-seeker friendly.

Regarding rest, I say I have tried, but I have been keeping busy with JSCs, networking, jumping through hoops to keep my UI, and random stuff related to home upkeep. Spring cleaning and all that. But I haven’t had enough downtime to veg, read, binge a few shows, or play video games. How did that happen?!?!

And an excellent question from my brilliant therapist — is what I am doing right now helping me? My answer - well, it’s keeping me from spiraling into defeatist thought patterns. I’m forced to get out of my head and help others, along with some self-reflection in the exercises. Is it helpful? in some ways, yes. In others, I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself again to excel and trying to do too many things at once, leading to a relapse of burnout. I have value not related to being busy (translation: employed). I have to let that sink in.

Part of me is down/low/ready to check out because of the weather and migraines, pro- and post-drome, chronic back pain flare-ups (pain takes away a lot of motivation, y’all. And why am I so damn tired and fatigued?!?), and the rest is because I haven’t put myself first in where I expend my energy.

I’m beginning to wonder if I even know how to do that.