I finally signed up for Lunchclub since more than 3 people had recommended it to me. Putting my relationships in the hands of AI — ok, let’s try this.

I mean, if i am being real with myself, I have been talking to random strangers on the internet since 1993 when I first logged onto IRC. How could this be different?

Well, video for one. And not a chat room or a stream where I am “invisible“ behind my keyboard. Let’s just jump right in, shall we. Why are you here?

Surprisingly, it matched me with two people where I could be my awesomely awkward self and just go for it. Ok, so I need to work on my conversation skills. I acknowledged that from the get-go and let it be known that I was more interested in having a conversation than “networking” (should totally be a 4-letter word). Both people were incredibly gracious and we almost went over time, both times! Win!

I also managed to introduce someone new to the term “loud introvert” and holy mother of all things weird, there’s another person in a completely different industry who thinks the way I do. Maybe it’s a project manager/Gen X leader mindset. Something to think about and test.

Ok, time for weekly adult session/ date afternoon. Scheduling around dogs is way too much like scheduling around kids.

First, some context if you don’t know what I mean by Two Sleeps.

Scooby wakes up at the crack of pre-dawn. It doesn’t matter if we are using blackout shades or not. He just knows. Sometimes one of us can convince him to cuddle until the semi-decent hour of 6 AM🥱 but more often than not, I am dragging my carcass out of a warm comfy bed at 5:30 AM when his whining, booping, and boot-scooting  becomes non-stop. And once I am upright, Molly demands a few belly rubs before they both run to the front door of the camper to “get dressed” and get outside.

Now, one would think that after all that fussing, he would go potty post haste. One would be wrong. First, he must attempt to awaken the entire campground as he hunts for bunnies. Luckily, picking him up in a classic football baby hold seems to short-circuit his need to bay. And then we walk for either 1mi or 30 minutes before his bowels finally get the final message to release. If you see a zombie being dragged by a beagle (or two), that’s me.

Molly, the sweet, smart thing that she is, does her business and then wants to go right back to the comfort of the warm bed. We tried this approach on Tuesday. The BF stayed in bed; I took the dogs out, returned Molly, and continued with Scooby. He FINALLY did his business, and we could go back to bed at 6:30. So, after a night of insomnia and then the walk, it took me a little bit to go back to sleep. But eventually, we all did and slept soundly until 9:30 am!!! That was awesome. But with the BF still holding down a day job, maybe not so much (thank goodness he works PDT hours!).

We have decided to do the extra morning nap (see, I finally came back to the idea of two sleeps) on the weekends. But I am so done and dragging by 11:00 AM M-F. My Apple Watch informed me that I have steadily been getting less and less sleep over the last 17 days. I wondered about the specificity of 17. Wait, we adopted Scooby on May 28. HAH! Ugh. The cost of doggy daycare will be worth it so that I can nap.

And now, for some cuteness. I do this all for them. Because I am NOT a morning person.

Currently Reading: Taking the Work Out of Networking by Karen Wickre 📚

Yes, I read the introductions in non-fictiion books. And I absolutely “watch the room” instead of working it. I love people-watching (and eavesdropping, and probably judging), but now I need to turn that habit into networking.

“Another essential for networking is being a good observer- a clear advantage we have over chattier peers. I am forever wondering about who people are and why they are that way. What’s their demeanor, what’s their history, what animates or irritates them? I observe, and somehow, I remember and apply that knowledge as needed.”

No, not German Shepherd dog 😃.

Getting Shit Done

Someone way back in January or February pointed me to the Anti-Planner (back when I was still employed but had a shitton on my plate). I’ve enjoyed some of the PDFs while I waited, and yesterday it finally arrived!!!

So far, I’m enjoying her writing style and comics. I love how it’s broken out by “mood” and that you’re encouraged to use pencil (nothing is permanent!) And that it’s not made for daily use. But I’m going to pair it with an actual planner for when I get over myself and my roadblocks.

I already know I’ll be spending a lot of time in section 1, “Stuck” because it deals with waves arms erratically, everything my brain is dealing with right now.

But first, I have to take Molly to the vet for her annual checkup.

Yes. There is such a thing. I was making the banana bread and between the butter in the batter (usually I use olive oil or coconut oil) and the buttering of the loaf pan, all that just overflowed onto the hot oven bottom, set off the smoke alarm, and scared the beejebus out of Molly and concerned Scooby.

It took entirely too long for the smoke to clear, despite opening all the windows and doors. The Nest alarms wouldn’t shut off. Thank goodness for my air purifier.

Molly didn’t trust coming back in, not even for treats and belly rubs. After about 2 hours she was willing to reluctantly trust me for a game of “Use Your Nose”. It probably helped that I was working on basic commands with Scooby and he was getting all of the treats and praise.

And if you’re wondering, the banana bread came out delicious and moist. Tastes wonderful alone or with apple butter.

Now to clean the bottom of the oven. Yay.

I’ve been stalled on starting my listening tour and blaming it on (mental) health and migraines, but when I get real with myself … I’m afraid that there won’t be a “Candidate-Market Fit” for me and it will be proven that I’m just as much as or maybe even more than a misfit than I already feel like.

More later. This is going to take some real unpacking to get through.

Are a brilliant and life-changing invention. Between weather and the Mack Truck I’m apparently sleeping next to, I haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep in weeks. And the stutter / brain fog episodes I’ve been having are getting worse. Something’s gotta give.

To solve this particular life problem, I started using my earbuds, but they fall out and aren’t comfortable for side sleeping. Then I got earplugs and decided I could try to fall asleep without Calm or an audiobook. That doesn’t work so well in practice. I almost always wake up between 1-3am and… there goes the night.

In the past, I have used those sleep headphones, but they never stay in place and are also uncomfortable for side sleeping. Enter some entry level ($20 after discount!) bone conduction headphones (you know, test the technology before shelling out for AfterShockz or something). Anyway… lay down on my side and no pain. So far. Full on test tonight. But walking the puppies! So much easier and no worries about them falling out if I suddenly had to jog! And they came with ear plugs that look like those flight ones or my weather x migraine ones

so I’m all set to cancel out the snoring AND listen to something that takes me out of my head.

And if they don’t work, well, safer headphones for biking.

My last two massages have made me realize I am holding on to more in my body than I realized. I usually enjoy my massages, but with gentle to medium pressure I wanted to scream and cry. And not from ecstatic joy.

Either that or I need to get retested for CFS and fibromyalgia. Last time I was 6 out of 9 pain points and CFS runs in my family on my mom’s side, but we all know how seriously pain is taken when Black women talk about chronic pain. The brain fog could be just related to insomnia. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. And pretending to be normal.

All this health shit makes it really hard to put any energy into other things, like doing my taxes and filling out applications to a sickening degree. After one, I’m like “Done! Time for the Star Trek series of the day (or Bones, or something on Netflix)” but I am trying to keep the tv off until after dinner, so I’m finding podcasts to listen to. The latest is Bookburners (also available in print) by some of my fave authors — Max Gladstone, Mur Lafferty, and … that train of thought is permanently derailed.

Doctor’s orders, well, my therapist. She watched me walk in and said at the end of our session that I had very depressed and withdrawn body language at the start. It was a little better by the time our session ended. But I’ve been unemployed for six weeks (usually my mental limit) and haven’t taken any downtime to rest and reset. Like Supergirl (or Superman) getting supercharged by hanging out closer to the sun.

Daily, I remind myself that the current climate is not job-seeker friendly.

Regarding rest, I say I have tried, but I have been keeping busy with JSCs, networking, jumping through hoops to keep my UI, and random stuff related to home upkeep. Spring cleaning and all that. But I haven’t had enough downtime to veg, read, binge a few shows, or play video games. How did that happen?!?!

And an excellent question from my brilliant therapist — is what I am doing right now helping me? My answer - well, it’s keeping me from spiraling into defeatist thought patterns. I’m forced to get out of my head and help others, along with some self-reflection in the exercises. Is it helpful? in some ways, yes. In others, I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself again to excel and trying to do too many things at once, leading to a relapse of burnout. I have value not related to being busy (translation: employed). I have to let that sink in.

Part of me is down/low/ready to check out because of the weather and migraines, pro- and post-drome, chronic back pain flare-ups (pain takes away a lot of motivation, y’all. And why am I so damn tired and fatigued?!?), and the rest is because I haven’t put myself first in where I expend my energy.

I’m beginning to wonder if I even know how to do that.

Or sticking my size 11 in my mouth and self-sabotaging.

I was joking (kinda, maybe) to a coworker about my over-40 WYSIWYG attitude. I don’t have the patience to put up with bullshit politics, and me being me, I have always hated office politics. This isn’t high school, people. Well, it should not be. We’re here to get a job done and done well. Leave the bullshit at the door.

I think I may have blown my last interview by saying something about “big mom energy.” Frankly, this is something I’m proud of because even the people on my team who are my generation need some mothering on occasion. My big mom energy means, “are you taking care of yourself? No? What do you need from me to make that happen?”

As a manager, this way of managing is selfish, if we are being totally honest. My team is a reflection of me and my leadership abilities. I need my team to be at their best. If giving everyone hard looks (a la “mom is about to go off”), making people take PTO, sick days, and mental health days, and find a damn therapist, and do you need a ride makes that happen, so be it. Flipside— day 1– you’re all adults. I’m here when and if you need me, but I am also not going to let you suffer in silence. You set the boundaries, and I won’t be mad when you tell me to back off. Not everyone responds well to big mother energy. But I will do my damndest to cultivate an environment for safe and healthy growth. This attitude often goes against the corporate agenda.

Ok, enough about that for now. I honestly don’t know what turned them off since it was more of the same of what I put in the one-way video questions, but with more personality. I need to stop second-guessing myself. But I want to know what I did wrong!

My personality? That could be it. Know any companies looking for someone like me?

Today is just Monday-ing all over me.

First- grogginess. Yay prodrome. Finally get my ass in gear and take my meds so I can tackle yesterday and today’s to-do (because fatigue yesterday) and when I sit down at my computer…

Second - email overwhelm. Can I please go back to bed? No, ok then. Futz around and start doing things. Including calling for dryer vent cleaning because the last time was pre-pandemic and it takes 3-4x rounds for things to dry. Gotta love dogs.

Three: LI account locked up tight and they need me to prove I’m me with government ID. WTF. All I did as a recent change was add a different 2FA method. Can I stress cry yet? No? Ok, more work. Why am I so busy if I’m unemployed?

Four: after submitting ID, go to claim UI. Big red banner saying I’m missing paperwork? Excuse moi? Eff me. I have once again been “randomly selected” to go through the RESEA process. 🤐😱

And now all of my Windows mail programs are glitching. Refer back to overwhelm.

A small rainbow. I hope. Trying out BlueMail for Windows. Outlook is borked and won’t play nice with my google suite account.

Definitely time to walk Molly before the cleaning service arrives and I can lock myself in my Chamber. Which is back to resembling Depression Office.

FML. And Mondays.

Still makes me happy to think and say that (thanks @DarkSheepArts!)

Yesterday was Mount Laundry. One or two more foothills to conquer before I have my “Seat of Restoration” back. Today I am going to focus on conquering the disaster that is my desk. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t find my coaster for my coffee and I have no space to write in my analog journal or planner. My water bottle is precariously on the edge, ready to topple at any moment.

Besides the mental health boost, I have to have a (let’s be real here — mostly) decluttered space for video interviews since not all platforms allow me to hide my office with a pretty and soothing Zoom background.

Shit, I knew I forgot to download something important from my work laptop.

I love my standing desk, but getting it and my office chair cleaned off will be brilliant so I can actually sit at my desk instead of hotdesking around the house 😂.

I won’t trigger anyone with a before picture. Looking at it critically right now has me needing my panic attack meds. The only good thing about that observation is that I am finally at a place to look at it critically in toto, instead of “of course, I can work in this chaos. I can see my monitor and my keyboard and mouse aren’t buried. Nothing else really matters”.

According to the photo timestamp, I have been dealing with Mount Laundry since 10:20am. I did take a puppy play break and about an hour to make and eat lunch (and just sit!), and I’m almost done! Including two more loads, the last of which is in the dryer.

After all this, one more hamper to go, but I think I’ll save it for Thursday.

The mass on the left is RV bedding and towels. Ugh. It’s like two households worth of laundry.

However, I am super proud that while I finally tackled folding, I also organized the dresser drawers and closet a bit and filled two bags for helpsy. The third bag is shoes I no longer wear. I have also given up temporarily the idea that I will fit into anything labeled medium or small or below a size 12/14 in the near future. This freed up even more room.

Time for tea and just chilling before tackling dinner.

Tomorrow will be my desk, I think.

Today would have been my brother’s 45th birthday. I’m kinda in my head about it all and not willing to post on his still active FB wall (why do they make it so hard to remove the digital footprint of the deceased?). The hurt is still there, but not as raw as last year, so … that’s a good thing?

I remembered to check in with my mom. We are honest about it. He was her favorite, and I was my dad’s. Everyone knew it. Even my youngest siblings, though I suppose they have moved up the hierarchy now? Something to think about later.

Anyway, mom is doing ok. Says better than expected too. She has people keeping her distracted, so that’s a good thing.

Now that I am actively thinking and writing about it, my heart is starting to hurt, and the tears are coming, so now is the time for me to put the wall back up.

Photo by <a href=“https://unsplash.com/@hypelights?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Brendan Sapp</a> on <a href=“https://unsplash.com/photos/h-7PY4s_9EM?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a>

Too often I let my overall gloomy mood overshadow the good things, so I’m writing now and here because I can’t get to my journals at this exact moment and I’m trying to practice procrastinating less.

Today was actually pretty good after a rough night. Hank’s bug bites might be a little infected and the itching keeps him up at night. Which keeps me up.

But he took Molly out in the middle of the night before he went out for another hot shower. That meant I got to sleep in until 8:30am. Absolutely decadent.

Made coffee and breakfast and we watched a few episodes of TNG and just chilled. Molly jumped between us and slept while making the cutest noises. I wonder what she was dreaming about?

Then we braved the elements, DEET-ed ourselves up and soaked up some sun at our site. I got deeper into and gave Molly lots of belly rubs. She’s getting better st staying at my feet when we aren’t doing anything.

Then pool time. I could really get used to this leisure thing… but Hank started talking to people, which mean I had to,(societal norms, y’all), and it turned out to be a great conversation and much information was exchanged. I find it amusing that the nicest people here are from New York (Long Island specifically).

Returned to a very happy to see us Molly, I got comfy on the ground reading in one hand and scratching belly with the other until it was time to walk, shower, do dishes, have dinner, do dishes again, and maybe I will do duolingo before bed or journal “properly” (Lord knows I brought along enough guided journals as well as a planner and one blank book).

But first, I need to eat. And finish my wine. Back to the corporate grind tomorrow.

I actually have to write up some of my travels. And not overthink it .

Why do I procrastinate like it’s an Olympic sport? I finished morning meetings and instead of doing any real work, I went outside to eat breakfast, get some Molly time, and started playing Garden Affairs — my current time suck. Seriously, I probably spend up to 6h per day on this game when I am trying to avoid something.

I need to be applying to better jobs, working on my journals, and maybe even finish Addie La Rue so I can get to the rest of my 2023 TBR. Oh, and of course work out. My trainer keeps texting me and I’m not even paying for his services anymore 😖.

I don’t like being involuntarily unemployed, but honestly, I could use a break to work on myself.

And now that I have guilt-tripped and shamed myself, I’m going to finish the 30m of Garden Affairs left from my free hour, make lunch, eat lunch, and do more Smartsheet University. Gotta get those PDUs!